lets see, a nice bright moon yest too... bt yeah it wasnt a full moon... su n i got lovey dovey on d way home... singng all those love songs n break up songs frm secondary school days. in d mrt station too... haha... oh man... and yest lesson, i was totally lost... i was shagged,cold n yeah my brain died on me.. i was literally sittin there n wonderin wth he is talkin abt... i noe its organic cmpds and their studyin methods... i noe its nmr... bt wth, i dunno wth he was talkin abt...


called ritz like after such a long time... spoke to my mummy... i miss u mummy. i miss ritz ppl. danny, haha... d guy who really made my day alot... i dunno whether its coz of the looks or whether its just him... bt danny, though he flirted, i noe didnt have ne bad intentions... i miss stoppin by the checkpoint... standin inside there... haha... cant wait to go dn 1 of these days... to take a break... frm sch. nt to go inside the checkpoint bt to head to comms... sit with mummy, help to answer some calls... yes, i miss answering calls. i miss havin the right to curse like no1's biz... haha... n of coz i miss siva... wont 4gt that just like that will i? it is over but that doesnt mean we forget ppl that we love. *shrugs*


i doubt im goin to the tcher's day lunch... 1) im havin a terrible headache... 2) im shagged... i want a bed now... 3) i feel like vomitin... i cant eat... n my sister had to piss me off by hidin the veronica mars cd under the sofa... sometimes i wonder whether her brain is seriously up her arsehole instead of bein in the cranium. lotsa thngs happenin soon... lab, practice for bani's dance, more sch work... muggin for my own exams... organic chem labs in tpjc...oh man. gonna be more shagged. bt hey its worth it i... nethng that takes my mind off siva is good... though nt literally gd for my health n body. bt well i dont care. haha... serious case of trouble here.. bt why live ur life safely when it can be dangerous? n neway im still young... youth is on my side for now.. will worry abt how i look like when i turn 30 and am still single. and i doubt that will happen oso. haha.. outz.

ash is in a relationship.... hmm... many girls are gonna be heartbroken alryt... excludin this 1... well newae happy for him. and to the person whom my revelations abt some1 was, im sorrie... feelin damn shitty now... perhaps i shldnt have said nethng. no names disclosed. its our lil secret. dude, its hard bt slowly life will move on. im so sorrie abt it. aitez.


yest i went crazy over the moon... it was bright, beautiful and full... and furthermore a cool night... imagine fishermen's village,dinner,nice breeze and a walk arnd d beach with the moon behind u... now is tt romantic or wt? haha... well yeah snapped many fotos of d moon... seriously im crazy... bt hey aint my fault... gt su excited too... bt seriously last night was beautiful... n yest oso marked the 4th wk... sat marks like a mth... tts fast man. sch seems alryt now... stuffs that are kinda familiar... i thnk they are poly stuffs... no maths... just physics... which is alryt i guess...


1 last report due today. n im soooo behind songs... i need to dl tons of songs... ayo technology, i got it frm my mama n i thnk there are sooo many others... do it... okie... aitez goin back to oscillatin chemical reactions... outz.

my maternal side of the hse is a very cute bunch. startin with my grandmother to several cuzzins includin myself. @ times when we are absent minded, we tend to tell thngs wrngly. over the yrs, my mum has been doin it. since my sis has been born, i have been toleratin bein called gaya. my dad calls my sis shankeri. the other day, i was called mala... tts my aunt's name.


most prob when she calls to tell abt chores, it will be wrngly said. have u heard of gettin ur ldy out of ure refrigerator n puttin leftover food in the washing machine? yeah i gt tt... when im in d gd mood n d wtf mood... i will do the thnkin myself. when im in d wth mood, i will tell her wt nonsense ure talkin.... there was this once she called abt it... n spent arnd 2 mins talkin to me abt it... after which i lost my temper n asked her wth is it? wt it are u talkin abt? coz i cldnt figure it out... turns out its some document. jeez... well today's 1 is the best.

evrymorn, she wakes up to gt my 11 yr old sis ready for school... talk abt pampered. im sorrie i have been gettin ready for school alone since 9... my brother,4... yes, he is independent. n this morn, she told my sis to put her shoes n socks on n go back to bed. yeap, u read it right... go back to bed... i woke up late and was cursing mentally.. after i heard tt, i burst out in2 laughter and sat there laughin for the next 5 mins... watchin my mother glare @ me as she shuffled back to her room... while i sat there laughin which oso led my sister to laughter.... i dunno why bt once i start laughin, she must laugh too...


told that the brother n he chuckled. and smiled at the thought of it. well i wonder am i gonna turn out like my mum too? watchin my kids laugh at me coz of the absent minded rambling. i tried la... bt wth... put ur shoe n socks n on n hit the bed? tt takes the icing of the cake man. oh man... haha... thnkin of abt it now cracks me up n tt stupid sister of mine really tried to do it too til i screamed @ her to get the hell out of d hse b4 i kick her out. yeah... sorrie time of the mth... temper flares faster...


n i had d most weirdest dream 2 nights back... i dreamt that i had an unusually heavy period for a 1st day n i ended up stainin my sofa... while i was wondering abt the heavy flow, it came to me that i had juz given birth... n i thnk i did carry a newborn baby... after which, i woke up n went wtf was tt abt... 1) yes, its near mine bt hell i wasnt d least worried abt it 2) i dont have ne kids, never been pregnant b4, never had sex b4... unless im virgin mary and i aint... trust me... that dream is crap. bt it gt me wonderin... birth n menstruation... symbol of gettin rid of old worries and the birth of something new... yes i read in2 dreams... this dream caught me... coz it shocked me... i have never dreamt of bein a mother. its cool i guess... bein treated like a queen. oh well... tt ends my relatively long essay. adios.

lets see, i fnt updated this baby for some time. let's see... parents anniversary came,keburn's bday came, my bday party came. and lets see with the exception of sat, all i have been doin is workin on the reports. such a boring life i lead. n of coz i have been catchin veronica mars. i am damn touched coz of what seyed did. haha... dude, im honored. n yes i do have a cool family. if my grandma can check u out, then ure hot. haha... her standards are high for a 69 year old woman.


hmm had a talk with devi akka. what she said makes sense... wanted to talk more but of coz my controllin parents had to intervene. like as if she is gonna teach me bad stuffs. she is my cuzzin for god's sake. n an elder sister.magesh anna is always the best. n i realized im an aunt of 2. my god. im old. cousins rock. perhaps durin the nov hols, i can gt a chalet and then gt all the cuzzins to stay over. no parents,no grandma, no old folks above the age of 30. tt will be cool... we can have fun. oooo. n then invite all frenz... woo hoo... now tts wt i call a party... blast tons of songs... drink the night away.... go to och and the haunted hses and scare urself. woo hoo.... n tt will be a wild dream of mine. my parents, let me stay over @ some chalet? i doubt so. im a 21 yr old bein treated 12. yeah i came home preggie once and drunk stinkin of cigarette smoke. ooo... of coz im kiddin.


alright. i had fun. gd fun. next up, bavani's bday party. after which im gonna convince her to do some stuffs like hit a club. hey, its just a once in a lifetime thng. nah, i will work on usha.it sucks that its my 1st day sch so i cant help much on that day like nearin d evenin. unless i skip it. sucks. usha wanna dance... so lets see how it goes... i hope i can. oooo... nicey. aitez au revoir with long meanderin entry. im 21... like finally.

its either im stressed or pmsin... i dunno which. i am this close to givin up on the lab reports.they make me feel like an imbecile. i know the theory part, somehow i will try to score marks. gotta work my arse off... the mess in my love life has also added onto the stress. fuckin knew this will happen. this is what u gt for bein emo. oh man. well that is now out forever. its the so called part of movin on which i know i have a hard time doin. well serves my purpose too. i aint in the mood of goin thru the motions of meetin some1, gettin 2 noe, fallin for em and gettin informed that it aint mutual. emo aint gd.


i am this close to cryin my eyes out. very very close. forcin myself nt to. cryin isnt gonna gt d reports done. isnt gonna gt the stupid calculation and graphs done. and def aint gonna change the situation i am in now. oh well, @ least im feelin guilty for treatin him like shit. i should. i was a fickle minded bitch who hurt some1 with my fickleness and words. not something im proud of or glad i did. i dunno wtf i was thnkin bt damn im sorry for doin it. oh well. lemme go back to this damned calculations. they aint gonna gt done by emselves.

i miss you calling me deardear...


i miss you asking whether i have eaten



i miss your tellin me your hungry and askin me to feed you



i miss you telling that you miss me



i miss you telling that you love me



and yes, i miss you being there in my life



and all the misses will always be misses


nothing i will ever get back....

i have 3 lab reports due on the 28th. and another 1 comin up tml. 2 reports and an essay. nxt 1 is an essay too. talk abt stressed. the lab is gettin to my nerves. with the complicated maths jargon and calculation thrown in. wtf does chemistry gotta do with physics n shit?equilibrium n kinetics i understand but wtf, gas n thermodynamics? heat law? wtf haiz. i just realized yest that i am takin chem 2211 alone. medicinal chem. im gonna die alone. i forgot su doesnt have exemption for microbio and apparently i can get calculus exempted too coz of the high distinction for stats. should i do it? really thnkin of gettin outta sg. goin to perth to study. for a yr. nobody i know to disturb.when i told d folks, they told me to save up the moolah. oh wt d crap. like moolah is gonna come to me due to some bequeated wealth. oh money. the curse of all humanity.


my mum told me to save up money and go and do medicine. she is nuts balls. where am i gonna get nearly 400k frm? and the time. by the time, im done with this degree, i will be 24... medicine school will take me 5 to 7 yrs. so tt means i will come out when im 31.... actually aint such a bad idea... bt money... and then the bday thngie this sat. well im sorry i aint the least bothered but my priorities is for sch work not the fact i turn 21... yeah once in a lifetime thng n yada yada yada... bt damn, the degree is a once in a lifetime thngie... why do a mediocre job when u put in some effort n get a high distinction?so what if ure deprived of a personal life? its school. not work. and anyway the deprivation is alright to me... aint got my panties in a knot to get married or hitched.


so my priorities sucks...


well u thnk i give a damn? its my life. i live it the way i like it. u got a prob with it, u can hit the road. no1 is askin you to stay. oh, and chrysanthemum white tea rocks. rocks so much.

omg... they bought for me a saree.... err im shocked... the admin ppl bought for me a saree... haha n i dont even noe how to tie 1... haha... omg... this is such a joke...omg... haha... lets see, magesh made me laugh like no1's biz yest night. and neha, thank you for ure flustered sms. jeez i dont blame u for forgettin. y, my own brother also 4gt...haha... din's msg was a surprise... seriously, dude i didnt anticipate 1 frm u. the msges came frm evry1 except for the 1 i wanted. oh well, it juz proofs that im so unimportant and insignificant in that person's life. perhaps i always was and this was all juz an act. oh well. no point wastin my time over this. like what syamz told me. whatever happens is for the gd ar babe... just move on with life. im movin on baby. slowly. i will take the baby steps. its true. why cry for some1 who wont cry for u? why need some1 who dont need you? why want some1 who dont want you? and why love someone who dont love u? there will be another rare guy i will meet who will make me feel the same way about relationships and commitment. and till then, i just do my own work. when it comes to me, it will come to me.outz!

im 21 today. today is the 1st time i have ever felt miserable on my bday. oh well. i reap wat i sowed. i pushed him away when i had him. i deserve this. i deserve everything. sch work is addin onto my stress too. lab reports. man. i can see myself fallin into depression bt well who cares.the 1st bday i didnt enjoy. d 1st bday in which i feel guilty i aint doin ne work. 1 day into 21 n i feel shitty. can predict more shitty days to come. somehow the fear of nt doin well in sch is always there. it isnt easy workin n studyin. im exhausted. i want a break. i also want to cry. oh well.big girls dont cry.

shit happens eh. tml is the bday. sumhow i aint tt lookin 4ward to it. oh wt bull. i aint workin tml nor schoolin... oh yeah. they better dont make me go dn to sch.. sianz... oh well... 21... jeez... im old.

shankeri is tired. very tired n stressed. sch work is killing me. not cause its alot. cause i dunno watta do. its all maths so its alien to me. well this tiredness makes me slp in the night. or else i wont be able to slp. cant wait for sept 20. then i will dance... stupid lab reports. god, plz pull me thru this n show me the path. show me the path for everything. aitez, err yeah. i gonna leave @ 5 today. err tt will be all.ciaoz.

i feel like goin dn to ritz carlton. i miss diyanah. just for a visit. to hang out and talk. wanna tell her wt im doin. yeah i might make the trip dn. i miss the whole marina square env. i miss the ritz env too. the frenly ppl. okie, suddenly i miss friendster. boo. i miss my ice baby. i love the song mahiya. oh well. sch is okie. work is okie. jc boy is hittin on me. i miss aiman too. oh well. earth revolves on its axis. life goes on. and unfortunately this is life now. =)

"I Miss You"

(I miss you...)

Hello there, the angel from my nightmare

The shadow in the background of the morgue

The unsuspecting victim of darkness in the valley

We can live like Jack and Sally if we want

Where you can always find me

We'll have Halloween on Christmas

And in the night we'll wish this never ends

We'll wish this never ends

(I miss you...)

(I miss you...)

Where are you

and I'm so sorry

I cannot sleep

I cannot dream tonight

I need somebody and always

This sick strange darkness

Comes creeping on so haunting every time

And as I stared I counted

Webs from all the spiders

Catching things and eating their insides

Like indecision to call you

and hear your voice of treason

Will you come home and stop this pain tonight

Stop this pain tonight

can i please dont act anymore? im tired of putting on a mask. can i just for once just show my fragility and get away with it?

its tiring to act like a hypocrite. its tiring to act happy when deep down, u arent. its tiring to act like nothing happened when something happened. its tiring not being me when all i want to do is me. why is it that i know somehow this will happen yet when it happened, it affects me? how i just wish i have that ability to just forget everything and act like nothing happened. how i wish this didnt happen at all. haiz. im tired of crying. im tired of everything.

miracles always happen i believe. miraculously we are strangers now. we can disappear but will the memories disappear too? can we live a fake life like tt? if ne1 who noes how to make memories disappear, plz teach me. coz i have some. someday it will creep up on u. i believe evrythng is a cycle. oh well. its over. but i didnt want it to be over. somewhere deep inside, wished it didnt. for now, i wear a mask of happiness. i will cry some, laugh some. when the day comes, i will look at this with a smile on my face n share my happiness with some1 special.


and that some1 special wont be u......


damn. wrong again.

heard that song that goes this is life? nice right? well this is certainly not life for me. haiz. okie better nt complain. there are ppl who have been thru worse. i have a mother who apparently cares about how much i eat. wth. im havin home cooked meal the past 2 days. wonder wt she wants. hmm jeez, god forgive me for thinkin this way. but after arnd 19 yrs of favored treatment (nt towards me of coz), u get kinda suspicious dont u thnk?


thermodynamics sucks. i need the textbook to make sense. damn shit. it costs $53 dollars and i aint wastin my moolah on tt jz for 1 subject unless there are further uses which i dont foresee. i am nt interested in this area of R&D. mine leans towards clinical studies. oh well. i will do it. jz like how i did it for stats. lets see, i cried buckets yesterday for which i gt called a stupid and an idiot. retrospectively, yes i am or was. im fragile. perhaps i shld gt a fragile, handle with care stamp stamped on my forehead or sumthng. yeah.

oh well. let me gt back to workin on the assignment due tml. as always, god bless me and evry1 else. n enough blessin of america. they have tons. mayb bless africa and india. africa for their drought and poverty level. india for poverty as well as third class mentality. not surprising for a third world country. (Is india third world?) oh yeah, im sorrie. i aint fond of indians. hah! yeah shoot me! im a bloody racist. racist against my own race. and im indian. oh the paradox.

im rollin... k800i( i thnk) rocks innit?

talk abt memories. here's 1. oh the roof terrace rocks. couples' place alryt... juz to talk and unwind.

this poem is stolen from shahid's blog. all rights should go to him.


I miss you

Its so hard
To let go of the memories
That are forever etched
Some are real
Some are makebelieve
Now, it all seems far fetched


Its so mad
To yearn for you everyday
To dream of you everynight
I miss your laughter
I miss your smile
Been thinking of you all these while


Its so sad
Like a wingless bird in motion
Life has no direction
I know its true
Time will pull me through
But i don't want to

I miss you
I do.

i have learnt its wrong to care.


i have learnt its wrong to love.


i have learnt its better to be cold than to give into emotions.


i have learnt that for some ppl, its better off being career minded than going soft in their head and visualizin themselves in some fairytale happily ever after love story coz it aint gonna happen.


i have learnt that being single is the way for a long term plan.


i have learnt how foolish it is to cry over spilt milk coz it is only short term relief.


i have learnt the more emotionally attached i get, the more it hurts.


i have learnt all relationships are fake and we are better off on our own.


i have learnt that i have not learnt from my lesson. n this is a great punishment for that lesson not learnt.


Once Bitten, Damn You,
Twice Bitten, Damn Me.

oh man, e lectures are cool... bt tirin... damn... im thnkin of enthalpy and entropy... man... talk abt a bummer way to spend sunday....still have the last part to learn connectin with gibbs' law... and then will try to work on the assignment which is due this wed on afandi's bday...aug 15.... tml i thnk will start to thnk abt the lab work... man... im overloaded.... can i stop listenin to the e-lec... bt yeah i had to go and zone out last wk....exhaustin man... its physics... hmm... deep's bday today.... cldnt go to her party... or else i will be behind the lec...sianz... gt my hair cut.... yeay! the hair is short now.... hmm kinda like it.... mayb shld have cut it shorter... hmm... oh yeah in love with mario's how do i breathe....

leavin the lyrics.....


MARIO LYRICS:How Do I Breathe

How do I breathe, yeah.
How do I breathe, yeaaaah
.It feels so different being here,
I was so next to being next to you,
Life for me is not the same,
There's no one to turn to.
I don't know why I let it go too far,
Starting over it's so hard.
Seems like everywhere I try to go,
I keep thinking of you.

[Hook:]
I just had a week of calls,Wishing that I never let you fall,
Baby you are not blame at all.
Remember when I pushed you away?
Baby if you knew I cared,
You'd have never went nowhere,
Girl I should've been right there.


[Chorus:]
How do I breathe,Without you here by my side?
How will I see,When your love brought me to the light?
Where do I go,When your heart's where I lay my head?
When you're not with me,How do I breathe?How do I breathe?

[Verse:]
Girl I'm losin' my mind.
Yes I made a mistake.
I thought that you would be mine.
Guess the joke was on me.
I miss you so bad I can't sleep.
I wish I knew where you could be.
Another dude is replacing me,
but this can't be happening.

[Hook:]
I just had a wake up call,
Wishing that I never let you fall,
Baby you are not blame at all.
when I was the one that pushed you away
Baby if you knew I cared,
You'd have never went nowhere,
Girl I should've been right there.

[Chorus:]
How do I breathe,Without you here by my side?
How will I see,When your love brought me to the light?
Where do I go,When your heart's where I lay my head?
When you're not with me,How do I breathe?
How do I breathe?

[Verse:]
I can't get over you no, (ooooh)
Baby I don't wanna let go.
Girl you need to come home,
Back to me,
Cuz girl you made it hard to breathe,
When you're not with me.

[Chorus:]
Tell me how do I breathe,
Without you here by my side?
How will I see,When your love brought me to the light?
Where do I go,When your heart's where I lay my head?
When you're not with me,How do I breathe?How do I breathe?

n yeah back to the lec...

its nearly 2am.. im in my rm on the lappie, yes my bday gift lappie, surfin the net litening to mario croon how do i breathe and i jz realized the gal he was with goes back to him which apparently isnt gonna happen in mine.... hmm well the beginnin of the song was nice ar... aitez past 2 days meetin up with alotta guys frm the poly days.... mzan n reeq on friday... khai bie yest... err wall to wall by chris brown is nice too... muz dl... it was nice... the guys have changed some....


all claims i have lost alot of weight... khai says im v much in love... with a non-existent guy.... haha... hmm met this guy on friday who chatted me up... thank god i had the gd sense to say im attached so he decided to leave or else im sure i wld have parted with my hp no in the middle of nowhere.... ,man... gt kinda molested on the train today.... some bloody chinese guy rubbin himself on me... i tt it was accidental n moved bt he came closer...arsehole... despicable.... thank god the stop came.... hmm vivocity was nice... alone was crap... rush hr 3 was alryt... funny n crappy.. err tts all i guess... oh anjang is engaged... cool eh.... hmm tts all.. soon to meet ravin n seyed i guess.... hmm yeah shld b all... oh yeah n shahdon... n mayb ash....

ever met any mother who would complain that ure freeloadin in the hse? mine does... i am supposed to hand over money evry fuckin mth and nt only that work fuckin foc as a maid. ah man. why issit that when ure really down, shit always have to hit u more? i dont fuckin need this. *breathes in* * breathes out* wt a bloody hypocritical life do i have to live... haiz... if only i was earnin more, i will move out... unfortunately, my money is gonna be tied to payin sch fees.. oh the misery.

met syamz earlier... as usual, talkin thngs with ur close mate always always help... mine did.. thanx babe.... u still rock my world ar.... i realize im harsh.. apart frm my egoistic problems. oh well, no point talkin abt thngs tt are done with. lets see, tp is still rockin ar... cant wait for my next date... thanx babe.... u put perspective in my confusion... showed me the light.... and u always have been... ure ryt... i suck @ relationships... keke.... how the hell are we gonna be with another sia? i seriously need to find for u girl... kesian u stuck with me.... keke...

man, am i weak or what... feel very exhausted. very weak. walking takes some extra effort... i dont want to sit, i dont want to rest... i wanna sleep.... just climb in2 bed and sleep.... the dreams are a mesh of internal desires and warnings. i fall into a stupor everynight. food is not a priority. its jz sumthng i take. for strength. for energy. the 5 senses are all meshed. dont smell sweet smell nor taste gd food. nor do i see and appreciate the beautiful sights that surround me. dont feel nethng. wow, is this some type of zombie behavior or issit a precursor to a breakdown? im nt depressed. im jz tired. im nt upset. im jz exhausted. oh well.

well lets just say im back... haha.... with all my 500 postings since poly days gone.... keke... no regrets... yeap yeap... siv is back... n i dont wanna change the addy coz hey this is me... complicated as said by sofia.n oh yeah hisyam baby, when u turn 30, u better pray i aint single and some guy has managed to like win me... or else ure stuck with me like 4eva... talk abt misery. tsk.


ever felt like you are takin the blame for sumthng u didnt do... n yet u gotta presume it to be urz?wtf... i hate situations like those... and im stuck in that particular situation now... its a thng abt wt the heart wants over what the head wants. pride over emotion. tsk. hate it coz im supposedly the weaker sex. yeah im sorry i dont have an appendage dangling in btw my legs. or else the arrogance of bein a guy would most prob get to my head. hah! n most probably, i wld live by the direction of that particular appendage... n some1 loves it when i talk this dirty... *grins*


well lets see where this whole mess of pride and arrogance leads me to. back to what i treasured or back to what i was...n tml i will work on how this thng looks. 4 now, i go back to the miserable knowledge of bein dumped and the miserable world of chemistry. talk abt dry lab. its dry alryt. ouch. bitchy. bt i love. *grins*