november is ending in 3 days time.... tomorrow im heading to my 1st show in esplanade for the yr.... after some time... somehow the soul is beseeching wisdom that differs from what i learn in school... its growling for books... my voracious appetite in reading is back... with vengeance.. getting lost in such fictional plots brings me out rejuvenated. my love for egypt is back... my love for learning is back... somehow im blessed. my brain is of course slowing down with age... bt that's a matter of time. i believe next yr, i shall be back to what it was before... sometimes the lack of rest gets to me.. weekends is the time i spend resting and learning more and more... i shall be going for yoga on sunday with noor..

the end of the yr is nearing... somehow optimism and happiness is coursing through my every vein.. i am leaving the burden of the year behind with 2009.. all the bad memories that i carry with me along with it too.. well this is my short entry.. perhaps the next should be the last few days of this yr, perhaps nt. when the mood strikes me, i shall spill....

ages since i updated... september is ending.... october is here... before i know it, its 2010... =)

the year i was looking forward to since 2007.. that bachelor's degree which i want... now it seems as the near seems to be around the corner, god has to make me screw up.. i failed my 1st science subject ever since primary school... chem 3305, the wrath of me is on u! because of u, i will have to graduate in 2011! for 1 stupid subject! im praying for a miracle... bt i know lady luck isnt shining on me....

other than tt, my future at work doesnt seem to be shining well too... seem to be having some problems too.... but hey, im not letting it bring me down.. hell no! i will smile and take it as it comes... afterall life isnt a box of chocolate.. its a bed of roses... there are the beautiful flowers and the ugly thorns.... oh well....

gossip girl is making me envious... they are starting off with college... orientations, dorms, meeting new friends. an experience that has eluded me... an experience i have been wanting since 13.... the chance to taste freedom with no parents breathing down my back... * wistful smile*

and i am envious of the relationship btw chuck and blair... sometimes it feels gd to have some1 whom just understands you fully... and when tt person is with u, u feel everthing is fine and will be fine... oh well, envious of that love they have, though fictional... its nt easy to have that understanding... and damn, i want that... badly....

end of july is arnd... gt the job in mom.. confused with wts next... as always... working on my feelings... its quite hard getting rid of tt feeling, tt want, tt dream... i know it isnt gonna happen... bt yt, im sad it isnt gonna happen... i might fail my 1st science subject... chem 3305...



work is goin on... spent 3 wks in bukit batok... learnt lots... back @ info...


today, i saw this thng on fb when i logged on at work...


Shankeri's August 2009 Predictions By Suzanne White
AUGUST 2009

LEO PREDICTIONS
Humans have a remarkable capacity to forget the ugly and remember the beautiful. That gift alone can be our salvation. Somehow, we all manage to retain the fond memories of a given circumstance and leave the painful ones to gather in the cracks of yesterday, no matter how onerous or impactful the memories. By this means we set ourselves up to repeat our mistakes. Leos will need to be cautious of this tendency in August. Perhaps an old flame who left you out to dry will be turning up on your doorstep begging for a second chance. Or maybe your own poor choice in action that previously caused turmoil in your life will be threatening to reappear in your current behavior (Adultery? Substance abuse? Law-breaking? Lying?). Whatever the temptation is, you must fight it. Dig up those bad memories of past repercussions and sit with them. You will realize that it's the wrong path to go down . This temptation is probably stemming from boredom. Stop and look around. You have more than a man or woman could ask for. Plug through this lull, and I promise you that you will be counting your blessings come September.


when i read thru this, all i had to laugh... wt poor choice in action? other than depressive thoughts and siva, i dont think i made any other poor choices... n i dont have any old flame... so its amusing... oh well.. tts all to update...

its almost a mth since i last updated... nth much to update... same old shit, diff day... surprisingly the weather corresponds to my bleak mood...

so im literally tearing my hair out of it roots... tml is the immuno test... the 2nd 1... n i have tons to memorize... n i mean TONS.... n evrything has to be memorized... i am still unwell.. my nose is blocked... i still have a cough... talk abt illustration....




im living my life as it comes.. its isnt me... bt im sick of being disappointed of not being able to establish my goals... im sick of knowing tt whether i have worked for is out of reach... even right now, i dont visualize myself as getting my degree... failing maths seems more like me... i dunno wt i want in my future... as long as it doesnt involve a marriage.. im fine... somehow the idea of belonging to a guy seems sickening... so yeah, hopefully the full time job gives me some aim, some direction... coz now im lost... i dunno wt i want in my future....

was dn with fever the past few days... felt like shit... never have i felt as lembih as a chicken. at last my fever went dn... 4 whole day... sickening shit... still have a bad cough... back n joints hurt too... stupid virus.

i was told i dont have a life... i should enjoy myself... can i tell i dunno how to enjoy myself... my life for now is studying n working.. tts all i thnk abt... how do i get the money for next mth to pay fees... tts all i worry abt... i guess i enjoyed myself too much in poly to thnk abt enjoying now.. its a price we pay.. n anyway wt enjoy once u start working? it all goes out of the drain.

everytime i check out some1's profile from broadrick and i see the word NUS or NTU, a part of me dies. Everytime i remember hearing from jeremy tan, that he is in NUS, another part of me dies. I should be one of them. what happened? an answer i cant give. might it be different if i went to a jc? i feel like a failure whenever i think abt jeremy tan. bloody hell, i was a top student in my class. he was nowhere near it. fucking failed everything. and looks like the uwa cert might be out of my reach too.


i am delayed from graduating due to calculus. i have to retake tt and another unit. failure to pass gets me withdrawn in a nicer way, kicked out in the truest manner. all my hard work down the drain. i am bitter. n everytime i watch chuck bass on gossip girl, i feel his pain. he tries to cover it all up but it isnt easy. poor him. i know how it feels. it was what i was going through earlier.


honestly the only time i felt this lost was after poly and that time, siva was there. now im all alone n i so dunno watta do. i feel like a failure. i am trying my best to act like it will all be fine. but what if i do fail again? and this is the best time as i am confused with where my future is heading. work, life, school and my future. i hate guessing . i realize i am just like blair. i need to know what happens next. i hate the fact that i have to take it as it comes. each day, each minute. the hope that everything will fall in place is slipping out of my grasp slowly.

i think i might be sinking into a mode of depression. oh shit. just what i need. more hell.

i decided to stay! too much to forsake by goin for 4 days. its a hard choice to make. but no regrets. i can enjoy myself once i get my degree. its the wkend once again. n its damn fast! time is running fast. chem 3312 is coming to an end. goin onto immunology. oh man. looks like june 11 wont be the date as i failed calculus, yet again. its a bummer. n i will be graduatin in sept as supposed to do so. haiz. i wanted to get done with it asap. i cant carry on doing this. things at home is shaky. haiz. it sucks being the eldest. oh well.

there ought to be somewhere i can lodge a complain against my parents. they have been talkin about getting myself attached, much to often to my liking. i didnt know being single is bad. its gd for me. sigh. i dont want la. its boring.


i wanna dance... hmm

i just got told off to be more patient in teachin my sister. wth. how do i teach some1 to do a comprehension without readin the story?! does it make sense? yes i am bad tempered.yes im impatient. bt please la, once upon a time, i studied too.. i didnt have a sister to ask qs. i had to find things on my own. so wtf? am i wrong to want the independence in my sister? i am tryin to cut it dn. u cant blame me for bein ms independent. i thnk neyo wrote the song for me. heh

in other aspects, i stare at the increasin lab reports n groan in despair. gosh, so much work to do. another groan for a paper to read n prepare a presentation on. time is runnin out. i dont wanna bring work for the hols bt it seems inevitable. bt i will never do nethng there. heh. doesnt make sense to lug a laptop n charger n notes n wtsnot when im nt gonna do it kan. oh well, cheerz to late nites and eyebags and coffee... =)

I never expect to be understood. coz i cant understand what i want myself. i change as the days goes. my habits have changed. I have changed.

Did i do a foolish thing by msgin him i wonder? bt well i dont see anything wrong in doin so... 2 yrs ago, i decided i didnt want nethng to do with him. bt now a shred of regret is perhaps a friendship could have been salvaged amidst the wreck?

it will be disastrous at that stage coz of the feelings still present. nevertheless, i still wish we can be friends. coz ultimately, i enjoyed the friendship. the relationship was never to meant to be. i guess the saying ppl come n go leaving footprints behind is damn applicable in this situation. how i wish its comes and never go. bt tt never happens. I have lost many a friendship bt the 1 i wish i never lost is his.

i never ever thought i will feel this way. but i do. and i know he doesnt feel the way. sadly, i feel that i know him kinda well. up till now. which is interesting and spooky. coz i anticipated this and yet i went ahead wid d msg. my ego seems to have abandoned me, albeit a lil too late.

oh well. random writings. from a random me. nobody expected this, nt even me.

well school has restarted. yr 3 chem is honestly a pain in the arse. i felt so lost the 1st lab session. honestly didnt noe watta do. n i have 8 more modules to get my bachelor's cert and a happy news i heard was honors is goin to be offered in sg. so hopefully they do have somethng related to my area of interest, clinical trials. or pharmacology. the bio side. i hate organic chem. i rather do inorganic. other than tt, work is ok.. sch seems ok for now. n im doin great.. =)

i changed my fb status out of boredom... hisyam n i arent really in a relationship... its jz outta fun... bt i thnk i went a lil too far.. maybe some1 is hurt by it and im feeling guilty... all i noe is i cant be in another relationship... i cannot survive thru another 1... it still hurts at times... its been 2 yrs.. bt it hurts... it will always hurt... i dont believe in love or relationships... once upon a time, i did.. now, no more.... im jz goin wid d flow... if im meant to be with sum1, i will.. if nt, i have a career to work on... lotsa thngs i wanna study.... tts how i live now... will live... im emoin today.. badly.... haiz.

this is all for gd i hope... i feel like screamin at my dad n my sister... such self centeredness... such silliness.. this is the bloody time to put away all of tt... i wonder how are we gonna cope, how am i gonna cope? looks like i might have to quit my job... unless i get rich and can afford to have a maid. or strike a lottery. god, why did u have to do this? haiz... im so dejected. im goin crazy... i want this to be a nightmare... wake up n see evrythng is fine... mum nt havin cancer.. why god? why?

ola, im still up coz i cant slp... thngs are running arnd in my head... went back to brd... bumped into my tchers... gosh, mrs remedios looks so old... mrs radha is dr radha... has a son too... only upset i cldnt see ms mastura... mr rahmat recognized me once he saw me n said ure an ex student arent u... now im thnkin of brd days... i miss that carefree day.... wanting a reunion so badly... all my 4e2 peeps. .. all the sec 4e peeps... the guys.. the gals....

mum is diagnosed with breast cancer.. the 1st few days were a lil hard for me to cope... but as days are going, im getting used to the fact and well getting stronger... forcing my mum to go for the op... remove the whole breast. i noe it sucks. bt i rather have my mum with me 20 yrs dn the road then visit a grave... my brother has gt his pes downgraded. guys... im missing my brother too... at least he will talk to this insane mother of mine. i guess dad is missing him too.

grandma was sent to the hospital yest. apparently her pressure is very high. wondering how is she now. n priya is married. she invited me to her wedding reception nxt wk.. gosh, i feel old... lotsa thngs are happening in my life. n i thnk its time i start dating. bt who will wanna date me? haha... tts the shittiest part... time to go thru tt conundrum again.. before i noe it, all my frenz will be engaged or getting married... crap, i dont wanna be left alone... oh well, time will tell...

all i noe is that im facing another turning point of my life. n im kinda gearing for it. its gonna be an eye opener for my sis too. she is gonna be catapulated into the responsible world. after all, who is gonna pick up after her if my mum is unable to do so. the baby of my hse is growing up. n fast. its time newae... tired of babying her. well time will tell... how its all...

well its been 9 days since 2009 started. alot of things occured during the last mth. the brother is officially a ns man... *wipe tears* im old!!! well i have alot of thoughts... bt dont wish to type it out here. all i noe is that how i wish ppl will stop reminding me of some stuffs. very old, silly stuffs. time to put all those old stuffs that came back into a gunny sack and cast it out. soon...