was dn with fever the past few days... felt like shit... never have i felt as lembih as a chicken. at last my fever went dn... 4 whole day... sickening shit... still have a bad cough... back n joints hurt too... stupid virus.

i was told i dont have a life... i should enjoy myself... can i tell i dunno how to enjoy myself... my life for now is studying n working.. tts all i thnk abt... how do i get the money for next mth to pay fees... tts all i worry abt... i guess i enjoyed myself too much in poly to thnk abt enjoying now.. its a price we pay.. n anyway wt enjoy once u start working? it all goes out of the drain.

everytime i check out some1's profile from broadrick and i see the word NUS or NTU, a part of me dies. Everytime i remember hearing from jeremy tan, that he is in NUS, another part of me dies. I should be one of them. what happened? an answer i cant give. might it be different if i went to a jc? i feel like a failure whenever i think abt jeremy tan. bloody hell, i was a top student in my class. he was nowhere near it. fucking failed everything. and looks like the uwa cert might be out of my reach too.


i am delayed from graduating due to calculus. i have to retake tt and another unit. failure to pass gets me withdrawn in a nicer way, kicked out in the truest manner. all my hard work down the drain. i am bitter. n everytime i watch chuck bass on gossip girl, i feel his pain. he tries to cover it all up but it isnt easy. poor him. i know how it feels. it was what i was going through earlier.


honestly the only time i felt this lost was after poly and that time, siva was there. now im all alone n i so dunno watta do. i feel like a failure. i am trying my best to act like it will all be fine. but what if i do fail again? and this is the best time as i am confused with where my future is heading. work, life, school and my future. i hate guessing . i realize i am just like blair. i need to know what happens next. i hate the fact that i have to take it as it comes. each day, each minute. the hope that everything will fall in place is slipping out of my grasp slowly.

i think i might be sinking into a mode of depression. oh shit. just what i need. more hell.

i decided to stay! too much to forsake by goin for 4 days. its a hard choice to make. but no regrets. i can enjoy myself once i get my degree. its the wkend once again. n its damn fast! time is running fast. chem 3312 is coming to an end. goin onto immunology. oh man. looks like june 11 wont be the date as i failed calculus, yet again. its a bummer. n i will be graduatin in sept as supposed to do so. haiz. i wanted to get done with it asap. i cant carry on doing this. things at home is shaky. haiz. it sucks being the eldest. oh well.

there ought to be somewhere i can lodge a complain against my parents. they have been talkin about getting myself attached, much to often to my liking. i didnt know being single is bad. its gd for me. sigh. i dont want la. its boring.


i wanna dance... hmm

i just got told off to be more patient in teachin my sister. wth. how do i teach some1 to do a comprehension without readin the story?! does it make sense? yes i am bad tempered.yes im impatient. bt please la, once upon a time, i studied too.. i didnt have a sister to ask qs. i had to find things on my own. so wtf? am i wrong to want the independence in my sister? i am tryin to cut it dn. u cant blame me for bein ms independent. i thnk neyo wrote the song for me. heh

in other aspects, i stare at the increasin lab reports n groan in despair. gosh, so much work to do. another groan for a paper to read n prepare a presentation on. time is runnin out. i dont wanna bring work for the hols bt it seems inevitable. bt i will never do nethng there. heh. doesnt make sense to lug a laptop n charger n notes n wtsnot when im nt gonna do it kan. oh well, cheerz to late nites and eyebags and coffee... =)

I never expect to be understood. coz i cant understand what i want myself. i change as the days goes. my habits have changed. I have changed.

Did i do a foolish thing by msgin him i wonder? bt well i dont see anything wrong in doin so... 2 yrs ago, i decided i didnt want nethng to do with him. bt now a shred of regret is perhaps a friendship could have been salvaged amidst the wreck?

it will be disastrous at that stage coz of the feelings still present. nevertheless, i still wish we can be friends. coz ultimately, i enjoyed the friendship. the relationship was never to meant to be. i guess the saying ppl come n go leaving footprints behind is damn applicable in this situation. how i wish its comes and never go. bt tt never happens. I have lost many a friendship bt the 1 i wish i never lost is his.

i never ever thought i will feel this way. but i do. and i know he doesnt feel the way. sadly, i feel that i know him kinda well. up till now. which is interesting and spooky. coz i anticipated this and yet i went ahead wid d msg. my ego seems to have abandoned me, albeit a lil too late.

oh well. random writings. from a random me. nobody expected this, nt even me.