i changed my fb status out of boredom... hisyam n i arent really in a relationship... its jz outta fun... bt i thnk i went a lil too far.. maybe some1 is hurt by it and im feeling guilty... all i noe is i cant be in another relationship... i cannot survive thru another 1... it still hurts at times... its been 2 yrs.. bt it hurts... it will always hurt... i dont believe in love or relationships... once upon a time, i did.. now, no more.... im jz goin wid d flow... if im meant to be with sum1, i will.. if nt, i have a career to work on... lotsa thngs i wanna study.... tts how i live now... will live... im emoin today.. badly.... haiz.

this is all for gd i hope... i feel like screamin at my dad n my sister... such self centeredness... such silliness.. this is the bloody time to put away all of tt... i wonder how are we gonna cope, how am i gonna cope? looks like i might have to quit my job... unless i get rich and can afford to have a maid. or strike a lottery. god, why did u have to do this? haiz... im so dejected. im goin crazy... i want this to be a nightmare... wake up n see evrythng is fine... mum nt havin cancer.. why god? why?

ola, im still up coz i cant slp... thngs are running arnd in my head... went back to brd... bumped into my tchers... gosh, mrs remedios looks so old... mrs radha is dr radha... has a son too... only upset i cldnt see ms mastura... mr rahmat recognized me once he saw me n said ure an ex student arent u... now im thnkin of brd days... i miss that carefree day.... wanting a reunion so badly... all my 4e2 peeps. .. all the sec 4e peeps... the guys.. the gals....

mum is diagnosed with breast cancer.. the 1st few days were a lil hard for me to cope... but as days are going, im getting used to the fact and well getting stronger... forcing my mum to go for the op... remove the whole breast. i noe it sucks. bt i rather have my mum with me 20 yrs dn the road then visit a grave... my brother has gt his pes downgraded. guys... im missing my brother too... at least he will talk to this insane mother of mine. i guess dad is missing him too.

grandma was sent to the hospital yest. apparently her pressure is very high. wondering how is she now. n priya is married. she invited me to her wedding reception nxt wk.. gosh, i feel old... lotsa thngs are happening in my life. n i thnk its time i start dating. bt who will wanna date me? haha... tts the shittiest part... time to go thru tt conundrum again.. before i noe it, all my frenz will be engaged or getting married... crap, i dont wanna be left alone... oh well, time will tell...

all i noe is that im facing another turning point of my life. n im kinda gearing for it. its gonna be an eye opener for my sis too. she is gonna be catapulated into the responsible world. after all, who is gonna pick up after her if my mum is unable to do so. the baby of my hse is growing up. n fast. its time newae... tired of babying her. well time will tell... how its all...

well its been 9 days since 2009 started. alot of things occured during the last mth. the brother is officially a ns man... *wipe tears* im old!!! well i have alot of thoughts... bt dont wish to type it out here. all i noe is that how i wish ppl will stop reminding me of some stuffs. very old, silly stuffs. time to put all those old stuffs that came back into a gunny sack and cast it out. soon...

i have painted my nails red. it reminds me of a bitch. bt hell who cares? another 5/4 days to the end of the year. im turning 23 next yr. wth. i feel old. i was just talking to 16 yr olds dis afternoon and gosh, i really wonder was i this naive back then? that everything in life is this smooth. haha... the world is gonna swallow them with a gargantous swallow.. before u noe it, ure sinking. hah. and what was very complimenting is that they can think im 18 or 19. wow, i feel honored. do i really look that young i wonder?

perhaps i painted my nails to remind myself that i dont need these feelings now. the last i need is a major attraction to anybody. unfortunately the heart is attracted. crap. i thought i was immune to this. honestly i feel like a secondary sch kid. pining to see her crush. happy when i see him. glad when he stops by and talks. n when he calls me siv, i feel like there is somethng clandestine goin on. the smiles, the winks. haha... holy god. n i tt im 22, all matured... gosh, this is how it was when i was a teenager! haha... so buzz off feelings... i dont need to get hurt again. i dont need to feel confused again. so perhaps its gd he didnt add me on msn. dont need to fall deeper.

i feel that i have grown up too fast. this past 1 yr, i feel that i have matured tons that it scares me. its too fast. i know the main reason i might have matured will be due to the decision to remain separated but yet i wonder if such an adverse decision was not made in the 1st place, would i have matured?


i see myself in the mirror and dont see whom i used to see in poly or secondary school. what happened to that kid? i know its a phase of no turning back. bt i wish i could go back to it just for a day. just a day to sit dn n lepak at a canteen with nothing more in mind than the up-coming tutorial or a test, a day where i feel such love for a guy, emotions i didnt noe existed within me, a day where i was jz crazy n loud n tomboyish n enjoyed my heavy metal.

my taste has evolved so much that metal no longer appeals to me. i still do like my blink 182 n all.. bt current bands n songs jz sound like tons of noise. current hip hop songs sounds trash. im listening to tons of 90s n early 2000s songs n tons of memories flood past. all i can do is smile, chuckle at certain songs n jz wonder when did i grow up? how come it happened without me knowing abt it.

i have grown to be more fussier and more stubborn. more confident that singlehood is the path i want. once upon a time, though the mouth said i dont wanna get married, deep dn, like evry other girl, i had my own fairytales... all planned out. as i grow older, i have learnt to be more realistic. now how i wish i was still that imaginative. that will help me save my arse tons. oh well, now i shall return back to this realistic life i have carved out for myself.

ola... its december... heh. well my brother went to vietnam with my atm card n my billabong belt. i blew my top in the morning. like hello, i wanna go out! how can i go out with no money? i dont wanna ask my parents for money coz def they will question why am i spending so much? i hate being questioned.

i am very fussy coz i only use 1 thing till it dies. coz its hard for me to like anything n get it. so yeah. likewise for the w980i fone, thought i saw that the thng looks like it can snap. my heart still wants it. see? so hard for me to get over things... i have looked at tons of se fones. none i like! nth new. haiz.


i wanna get specs, lenses, the fone, a new watch n do something to my hair. im sian of it. nt tt i dont have the money. i can spend it bt to not feel the pinch, i have to space it out and prioritize. i need the specs or lenses coz im out of lenses and my specs degree is lower than mine and i think the specs is more essential coz coz, i thnk my eyes are dying on me. its gets dry damn fast. thnkin of wearing specs for a mth before i go back to lenses. fone n watch aint so impt. both of my current 1 aint dying... yt... n the hair.. well nth will happen if it aint done immediately... oh well i shall end this post.......... NOW